from the heart

I have been taking steps lately to better my life and it feels so weird to finally stop acting like a victim and just take control. I have to admit that every holiday it gets hard to do when you know that family is together and you aren't needed. My kids are the ones to fill that impact the most. I feel bad mostly for them. They don't seem to have anyone but me. Their dad's side gave them up with the divorce and my side really has too. Oh, I know that some live out of state, but even cards and phone calls aren't done as they should be. As for the ones that live in state the road runs both ways, but I seem to be the only one driving them! And only when I am permitted to come! My kids missed out on cousins playing together and aunts and uncles. It makes me so sad to see them hurt like this. Jonathan says mom I don't ever want to be around them, and then wants to know why noone in the family loves him.
I pray that when they get older and have kids that I never make them feel that way. I pray that I put my grandkids first and always have a open house with Sunday dinners and sleepovers at grandmas and every holiday done with family. My only regret is that with only 2 kids there is only going to be one aunt or uncle for the kids. Maybe I should have more kids.